so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
