Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
