I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize