It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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