I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
This is the high leading the old right now
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Randomize
