in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
