Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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