he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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