i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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