I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
