My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
