I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize