I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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