I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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