There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
