I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
