He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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