Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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