i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize