absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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