he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
