he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
