Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
