i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
