remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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