soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
