Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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