The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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