So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
