I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
