Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
