Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
