I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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