I love black thongs
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
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