and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
