cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
