I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize