The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize