this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
