i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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