he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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