rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
