All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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