fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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