We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
