Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
