We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
did you just send me my own nude
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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