they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
