OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
