remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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