Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
