My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
