Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
