I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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