Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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