when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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