and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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