I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
