oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
