What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize