I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
