I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
