I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
