I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
