the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
