this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize