he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
