I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
